ONE MONTH LATER

  I can not BELIEVE it has been ONE MONTH since Mama died.  An entire month and to me it seems like a few days have gone by...  On April, 18th, 2014 at 7:30 pm I lost My Mother, My Best Friend, My First and True Love, Half My Heart and My Job as I was paid 65 hours a week by the state to care for my Mother (this is why I could leave my  job and care for her 24/7) It was and honor and a privilege to do this, I enjoyed every minute with her.
  I know I gave Mama a Full, Happy, Safe Life at home as I promised never to put her away in one of those horrible nursing homes.  It has been and still is the worst time of my my entire life my heart actually hurts.  I am dealing with life hour by hour for now, it is like time has slowed down to the point  of almost stopping.  I am moving forward but at a Snails Pace.......
 It is so hard to go in to her private apartment in the house never mind going through her stuff to see what to give to family, give to the needy or charities, to throw out and to keep.  Doing all of this makes it a bit too real for me. I know she is gone but it is as if doing all of this confirms she is dead and it hurts my very core like no pain I have ever felt.  Throughout the day I find myself talking to her then I say " Mama I am doing like you did when you talked to your parents for all those years after they died now it it my turn".  Some days are ok and some days it is like it just happened and I fall apart and ask God to take me so I can be with my Mother "God please take me I do not want to wake up, I am to weak" Yes this is not a good thing to think but it is reality but in the same breath I say " Mama please forgive me I am weak" and I know she would tell me you are a strong man and can handle anything that is thrown at you.  Yes there is a part of me that wants to go on to that next chapter in my life and it actually is a bit terrifying but for now I am hitting the pause button to grasp on to my sanity and deal with everything at my pace.  After all I do not want to disappoint Mama.
  So today I ask God, Jesus Christ, Mother Mary, All the Angels, Saints, Souls and Spirits to give me Strength, Guidance and the Will to  do what I need to do.  I know there are those of you that do not believe in any of this religious stuff and those of  of you that do on different levels... Heck I used to doubt religion a bit my self.  I always considered myself Spiritual but not to Religious unlike my Mother who was EXTREMELY religious and I know she is proud and happy it rubbed off on me... the 8 years of parochial school and four years of bible class helped a bit I guess...  She always said religion was her rock, her one constant and steady thing that was always there for her no matter what she could always lean on it and know that God was there for her no matter what.  Now I can understand where she was coming from and I know where I am going.

Thank You for reading this and being a part of My Life & My Growth Forward in My New Journey on this Wild & Amazing Spinning Sphere We Call Earth.  Please Enjoy Every Moment of Every Day, Have Fun & Love Everyone Around You......

I forgot Mama was gone for a brief moment

  Oh Mama.....  Belated Happy Cinco de Mayo.... I had two extra large Margaritas at Fiesta Mexican restaurant in East Bridgewater with Sean for you (you would have liked them).  It was packed to the walls with a bunch of twenty somethings... I am just sayen.... 

  Well it is a BAD BAD BAD morning for me... I woke up and went down to check on you ( I was still groggy)... I Went in to your room and your bed was empty.... Then it hit me you left us... Then I lost it...Big time....I love you Mama. Oh on top of it Marco Polo has an issue.  Remember the right eye that had a bit of red in the white... Well now there is lot of red,  you can even see red through the cloudy cataract,  you can see a lot of red in the  eye.. Marco Polo has woken up in the morning with a lot of goo in that eye.  He also has been sleeping in his night bed a lot, not his day bed... Plus he is not eating all his food he even looks sad.  He misses you Mama... He ran around your room looking for you... I held him and cried saying Mama has left us.... He put his head in my lap and did not move... Then he looked up and blinked his eyes and moaned then put his head down.  We Miss you so so bad I can not even put in words.. My heart is aching... I cannot even say Mama during the day he freaks out.....  Any way I guess I had a pre senior moment... Anyway I am taking Marco Polo to the vet Tues day at 12:45 pm, so we shall see. 

  Just so you know I have your dog Clifford the Big Red Dog with your rosary you wrapped around his neck, the one you had tied to the railing with the Bunny Pillow.  So i gave the bunny pillow to Marco Polo to sleep with in his Night Bed (it smells like you and your perfume) I have the dog and rosary in mine ( it also smells like you.. yes I may have spritz some Imari on it... I know you love it.  So Off I go back to bed  and yes I will check Marco your Man Dog and cover him up... I will even kiss him and sign on his head..... God Bless You Mama My Love......