ONE MONTH LATER

  I can not BELIEVE it has been ONE MONTH since Mama died.  An entire month and to me it seems like a few days have gone by...  On April, 18th, 2014 at 7:30 pm I lost My Mother, My Best Friend, My First and True Love, Half My Heart and My Job as I was paid 65 hours a week by the state to care for my Mother (this is why I could leave my  job and care for her 24/7) It was and honor and a privilege to do this, I enjoyed every minute with her.
  I know I gave Mama a Full, Happy, Safe Life at home as I promised never to put her away in one of those horrible nursing homes.  It has been and still is the worst time of my my entire life my heart actually hurts.  I am dealing with life hour by hour for now, it is like time has slowed down to the point  of almost stopping.  I am moving forward but at a Snails Pace.......
 It is so hard to go in to her private apartment in the house never mind going through her stuff to see what to give to family, give to the needy or charities, to throw out and to keep.  Doing all of this makes it a bit too real for me. I know she is gone but it is as if doing all of this confirms she is dead and it hurts my very core like no pain I have ever felt.  Throughout the day I find myself talking to her then I say " Mama I am doing like you did when you talked to your parents for all those years after they died now it it my turn".  Some days are ok and some days it is like it just happened and I fall apart and ask God to take me so I can be with my Mother "God please take me I do not want to wake up, I am to weak" Yes this is not a good thing to think but it is reality but in the same breath I say " Mama please forgive me I am weak" and I know she would tell me you are a strong man and can handle anything that is thrown at you.  Yes there is a part of me that wants to go on to that next chapter in my life and it actually is a bit terrifying but for now I am hitting the pause button to grasp on to my sanity and deal with everything at my pace.  After all I do not want to disappoint Mama.
  So today I ask God, Jesus Christ, Mother Mary, All the Angels, Saints, Souls and Spirits to give me Strength, Guidance and the Will to  do what I need to do.  I know there are those of you that do not believe in any of this religious stuff and those of  of you that do on different levels... Heck I used to doubt religion a bit my self.  I always considered myself Spiritual but not to Religious unlike my Mother who was EXTREMELY religious and I know she is proud and happy it rubbed off on me... the 8 years of parochial school and four years of bible class helped a bit I guess...  She always said religion was her rock, her one constant and steady thing that was always there for her no matter what she could always lean on it and know that God was there for her no matter what.  Now I can understand where she was coming from and I know where I am going.

Thank You for reading this and being a part of My Life & My Growth Forward in My New Journey on this Wild & Amazing Spinning Sphere We Call Earth.  Please Enjoy Every Moment of Every Day, Have Fun & Love Everyone Around You......

I forgot Mama was gone for a brief moment

  Oh Mama.....  Belated Happy Cinco de Mayo.... I had two extra large Margaritas at Fiesta Mexican restaurant in East Bridgewater with Sean for you (you would have liked them).  It was packed to the walls with a bunch of twenty somethings... I am just sayen.... 

  Well it is a BAD BAD BAD morning for me... I woke up and went down to check on you ( I was still groggy)... I Went in to your room and your bed was empty.... Then it hit me you left us... Then I lost it...Big time....I love you Mama. Oh on top of it Marco Polo has an issue.  Remember the right eye that had a bit of red in the white... Well now there is lot of red,  you can even see red through the cloudy cataract,  you can see a lot of red in the  eye.. Marco Polo has woken up in the morning with a lot of goo in that eye.  He also has been sleeping in his night bed a lot, not his day bed... Plus he is not eating all his food he even looks sad.  He misses you Mama... He ran around your room looking for you... I held him and cried saying Mama has left us.... He put his head in my lap and did not move... Then he looked up and blinked his eyes and moaned then put his head down.  We Miss you so so bad I can not even put in words.. My heart is aching... I cannot even say Mama during the day he freaks out.....  Any way I guess I had a pre senior moment... Anyway I am taking Marco Polo to the vet Tues day at 12:45 pm, so we shall see. 

  Just so you know I have your dog Clifford the Big Red Dog with your rosary you wrapped around his neck, the one you had tied to the railing with the Bunny Pillow.  So i gave the bunny pillow to Marco Polo to sleep with in his Night Bed (it smells like you and your perfume) I have the dog and rosary in mine ( it also smells like you.. yes I may have spritz some Imari on it... I know you love it.  So Off I go back to bed  and yes I will check Marco your Man Dog and cover him up... I will even kiss him and sign on his head..... God Bless You Mama My Love......

THE BEGINNING OF THE END OF LIFE AS I KNEW IT Part I

  My Mom's year of  Good Health

besides all her conditions.... Has come to a crazy abrupt end... She went into the ER at the Good Samaritan Medical Center in Brockton Mass on Thursday, April/4th  with a 105 o/o fever.. By the time she was there her Blood Pressure was 45 /27 .... At home she started with a 99 o/o fever on Wednesday. I called the Nurse Practitioner that does home visits and she said she would come Friday morning to do a urine culture, EKG, blood work and chest x ray... But That night her fever hit 102 them within 2 hours it was at 105 .. So I pressed her life line button... Here comes the ambulance to the ER....

Eventually she was admitted to the CCU with a Massive Urinary Tract Infection with Scepticism... By 7am on April/5th she was in congestive heart failure due to the intense saline that was administered so quickly in a short time in conjunction with all the other problems.....She has been given medication to increase BPS and Lower her high heart rate of 125....At this rate her body has no idea which way to go.. The Doctor says it is a Domino effect..   They pick one up and two more fall down and so on.. She is chasing her tail as the Dr said...  She only drank 1/2 an ensure and 1/2 a cup or broth sine Thursday... Mama has been completely confused, out of breath and barely talking, not walking, has a  catheter and bed bound ....
  Today April/7th  she ate 1/4 a bowl of noodles with broth that I had to hand feed her (for the first time ever) them went in to severe stomach pain... So here comes the Nausea medication and Morphine....I asked for a ct scan .. It never happened...
Today the cardiologist said the Cardiac Enzymes are up and she has suffered heart damage (a type 2 heartattack) secondary to due to the infection......They are going to do another Echocardiogram an ultrasound on the kidney and a Stress test for the heart.... Today April/8th she didn't remember anything that has happened since Thursday, April/4th...  It is one big mess.
  April/9th at 3:30pm she FINALLY had a full body cat scan... Everything was ok except there was evidence of a tear in her bowels with liquid leakage and air....by 4:30pm the Doctors said she is gravely ill and has to have Major Emergency Surgery immediately....by 5:00pm the Surgeon and his operating team came up to talk to me... He said I am going to be very straight forward.....There was a 50%chance she would die during surgery, the recovery will be extremely long and hard due to her age and complicated medical history. The surgeon said we have to go in make the repair on the tear,  take out all her organs, place on trays and wash and sterilize them along with all her insides, close her up loosely with staples and packing with drainage tubes and they would also have to put a central line that would go directly to her heart so they could give massive amounts of antibiotics , fluids, medicines, saline and be able to do blood draws ( as her iv's kept failing and it was getting impossible to find a working vein. The Surgeon was also going to put a line in her vein to the heart that would give a 100% accurate reading of her heartrate and blood pressure (so she would not have to be hurt by the cuff squeezing her arm) along with a tube that went down inside the breathing tube that would take her temp along with a tube in her nose and down her throat to her stomach so they could suction her out and give medicines and nutrition.  Mom would have a colostomy bag which may be permanent or temporary depending on what they find and her recovery.  Also Mom would have a breathing tube in her during and after surgery which may be in for two days, two weeks, two months or permanent depending on her recovery.  By this point she was in so much agony, she was crying, screaming and calling for her Mother over and over.... She was in hell.... The Surgeon said the surgery has to be done but I could refuse it and let her die.  By this point I was a wreck, shaking inside and out, crying (but trying to hold it back so I could listen and talk... I said I understand and I want the surgery done.... and if Mom  down the road has to be on a Respirator permanently then I would make the decision then to stop the machine, as we talked before over the years about just using the machine to heal her not keep her alive. I also said when she comes home if she has to have the colostomy bag we will deal with it. By 5:30pm  Mom was in pre op.  She was in and out of clarity... But when I was kissing her goodbye, wrapping her rosary around her hand, and taking her sunglasses off (bright light bothered her) and telling her I love her... I said "Mama" real loud and she looked at me and squeezed my hand.. I said "you better not die on me or I will be so upset at you"... She said looking in my eyes "I will not die, I will fight, I love you RJ"... She kissed me goodbye.  That is the last thing I ever heard my Mother say.  Then she went into surgery.
  My Aunt Deanna (Mom's younger sister) and her husband Uncle Jack drove down from Somerville to be with me during surgery....They made me get something to eat in the cafeteria (even though I was sick and did not want to eat).. We ate and talked around the elephant in the room.  After words we went to the operating waiting room  and sat till about 9:30pm when the Surgeon came in and said Mom did well during surgery, they repaired a quarter size tear in the diverticulum, she had the colostomy bag, she had a tube in her throat that was doing the breathing for her, her blood pressure and vitals were doing great without any medication. The Surgeon said she has a long road ahead of her, she is not out of the woods yet. We have to see how the infections play out and she could get severe Pneumonia and many many other complications could pop up.  I was relieved to a point.  So Aunt Deanna and Uncle Jack went home after that as it was going to be a few hours till I could see Mom... They said I might see her in Post Op but that never happened.
  I had to meet her in the CCU. I finally saw Mom at 12:30am.....When I walked in that room I died inside when I saw her asleep with the Tube in her mouth and the sound of the machine pumping up and down breathing for her.... I counted 10 different iv pumps and  2 lines connected to my mother.  The monitor screen that normally showed four types of  different readings was showing nine different readings.  I was seeing everything Mom did not want to have happen to her.  She always said I do not want to end up like Daddy ( her Father).  I was whispering in her ear that this was all Temporary,  that she was going to get better, I would help her every step of the way, we will beat this together. I held her hand for for a few hours then went home reluctantly.....
 Well that is enough for now, I will tell the rest of this tragic tale latter.  To Be Continued.......

Thank You for reading this and being a part of My Life & My Growth Forward in My New Journey on this Wild & Amazing Spinning Sphere We Call Earth.  Please Enjoy Every Moment of Every Day, Have Fun & Love Everyone Around You......