I can not BELIEVE it has been ONE MONTH since Mama died. An entire month and to me it seems like a few days have gone by... On April, 18th, 2014 at 7:30 pm I lost My Mother, My Best Friend, My First and True Love, Half My Heart and My Job as I was paid 65 hours a week by the state to care for my Mother (this is why I could leave my job and care for her 24/7) It was and honor and a privilege to do this, I enjoyed every minute with her.
I know I gave Mama a Full, Happy, Safe Life at home as I promised never to put her away in one of those horrible nursing homes. It has been and still is the worst time of my my entire life my heart actually hurts. I am dealing with life hour by hour for now, it is like time has slowed down to the point of almost stopping. I am moving forward but at a Snails Pace.......
It is so hard to go in to her private apartment in the house never mind going through her stuff to see what to give to family, give to the needy or charities, to throw out and to keep. Doing all of this makes it a bit too real for me. I know she is gone but it is as if doing all of this confirms she is dead and it hurts my very core like no pain I have ever felt. Throughout the day I find myself talking to her then I say " Mama I am doing like you did when you talked to your parents for all those years after they died now it it my turn". Some days are ok and some days it is like it just happened and I fall apart and ask God to take me so I can be with my Mother "God please take me I do not want to wake up, I am to weak" Yes this is not a good thing to think but it is reality but in the same breath I say " Mama please forgive me I am weak" and I know she would tell me you are a strong man and can handle anything that is thrown at you. Yes there is a part of me that wants to go on to that next chapter in my life and it actually is a bit terrifying but for now I am hitting the pause button to grasp on to my sanity and deal with everything at my pace. After all I do not want to disappoint Mama.
So today I ask God, Jesus Christ, Mother Mary, All the Angels, Saints, Souls and Spirits to give me Strength, Guidance and the Will to do what I need to do. I know there are those of you that do not believe in any of this religious stuff and those of of you that do on different levels... Heck I used to doubt religion a bit my self. I always considered myself Spiritual but not to Religious unlike my Mother who was EXTREMELY religious and I know she is proud and happy it rubbed off on me... the 8 years of parochial school and four years of bible class helped a bit I guess... She always said religion was her rock, her one constant and steady thing that was always there for her no matter what she could always lean on it and know that God was there for her no matter what. Now I can understand where she was coming from and I know where I am going.
Thank You for reading this and being a part of My Life & My Growth Forward in My New Journey on this Wild & Amazing Spinning Sphere We Call Earth. Please Enjoy Every Moment of Every Day, Have Fun & Love Everyone Around You......
I know I gave Mama a Full, Happy, Safe Life at home as I promised never to put her away in one of those horrible nursing homes. It has been and still is the worst time of my my entire life my heart actually hurts. I am dealing with life hour by hour for now, it is like time has slowed down to the point of almost stopping. I am moving forward but at a Snails Pace.......
It is so hard to go in to her private apartment in the house never mind going through her stuff to see what to give to family, give to the needy or charities, to throw out and to keep. Doing all of this makes it a bit too real for me. I know she is gone but it is as if doing all of this confirms she is dead and it hurts my very core like no pain I have ever felt. Throughout the day I find myself talking to her then I say " Mama I am doing like you did when you talked to your parents for all those years after they died now it it my turn". Some days are ok and some days it is like it just happened and I fall apart and ask God to take me so I can be with my Mother "God please take me I do not want to wake up, I am to weak" Yes this is not a good thing to think but it is reality but in the same breath I say " Mama please forgive me I am weak" and I know she would tell me you are a strong man and can handle anything that is thrown at you. Yes there is a part of me that wants to go on to that next chapter in my life and it actually is a bit terrifying but for now I am hitting the pause button to grasp on to my sanity and deal with everything at my pace. After all I do not want to disappoint Mama.
So today I ask God, Jesus Christ, Mother Mary, All the Angels, Saints, Souls and Spirits to give me Strength, Guidance and the Will to do what I need to do. I know there are those of you that do not believe in any of this religious stuff and those of of you that do on different levels... Heck I used to doubt religion a bit my self. I always considered myself Spiritual but not to Religious unlike my Mother who was EXTREMELY religious and I know she is proud and happy it rubbed off on me... the 8 years of parochial school and four years of bible class helped a bit I guess... She always said religion was her rock, her one constant and steady thing that was always there for her no matter what she could always lean on it and know that God was there for her no matter what. Now I can understand where she was coming from and I know where I am going.
Thank You for reading this and being a part of My Life & My Growth Forward in My New Journey on this Wild & Amazing Spinning Sphere We Call Earth. Please Enjoy Every Moment of Every Day, Have Fun & Love Everyone Around You......
So sad but so honest. Keep writing!
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